Parodies Of A Songing Nature
by Aimee in Whaleland
Summary: So as you may have guessed, I am now parodying all of the Sweeney Todd songs. No, this is not the first parody of Sweeney songs and I'm assuming it won't be the last. Oh well. They get stupid; you have been warned. Final chapter is uploaded.
1. Definately Not Fleet Street

**A/N:** I know a lot of people are already doing Sweeney song parodies. Buuuut. I wanted to do my own, because I'm like that. Oh, and I'm gonna do them in order because otherwise I'll probably forget them.

**Disclaimer:** Well, if I owned them I wouldn't be sitting here parodying the songs, would I? So no, I don't own them.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter One - Definately Not Fleet Street**

Anthony: _I have sailed the world, beheld it's wonders. From the Dardanelles, to the mountains of Peru..._

Sweeney: Er... Anthony? What's a Dardanelle? Are there mountains in Peru? Wow... I'm supposed to know more than you.

Anthony: _But there's no place like London!_

Sweeney: I know, because nowhere else has a weird paedophilic judge that rapes peoples' wives and sends them to Australia.

Anthony: Wait -- what?

Sweeney: _No there's no place like London!_

Anthony: Fine then, ignore my question.

Sweeney: _You are young, life has been kind to you. You will learn._

Anthony: I'll learn? Yay! Learning is fun! What will I learn, Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: _There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and the vermin of the world inhabit it and it's morals aren't worth what a pig could spit, and it goes by the name of London...  
_

Anthony: I don't like where this is going...

Sweeney: _At the top of the hole sit a priviledged few, making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo, turning beauty into filth and greed, I too have sailed the world and seen it's wonders..._

Anthony: Ooh, someone made mock of vermin. Wait... what's vermin? And what's making a mock? Ohwow, you've sailed the world too! We're like, twins.

Sweeney: _For the cruelty of men is as wonderous as Peru, but there's no place like London!_

Anthony: What's man-cruelty, Mr. Todd? And there isn't anywhere like London. YAY LONDON!

Sweeney: I am now going to ramble on about my wife... I mean... some woman who I don't know.

Anthony: Ok...

Sweeney: _There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful..._

Anthony: Was she? Was she really beautiful, though? Really really?

Sweeney: Could you just shut up and let me get on with it?

Anthony: Yes, sorry.

Sweeney: _A foolish barber and his wife, she was his reason and his life. And she was beautiful, and she was virtuous, and he was... naive._

Anthony: What's naive mean?

Sweeney: _There was another man who saw, that she was beautiful..._

Anthony: What, so no one else could see her then? Just these two men? WAS SHE A MAGICAL FAIRY?!

Sweeney: _A pious vulture of the law, who with a gesture of his claw, removed the barber from his plate..._

Anthony: Was the barber some kind of snack then, if he was on a plate?

Sweeney: You ask too many bloody questions.

Anthony: I'm just... curious.

Sweeney: _Then there was nothing but to wait. And she would fall; so soft, so young, so lost and oh so beautiful..._

Anthony: I think I'm supposed to ask something about 'succumbing' here. But I'm not sure what that means so I'll just smile and wave.

Sweeney: _Oh that was many years ago, I doubt if anyone would know._

Anthony: But I didn't ask you anything!

Sweeney: Well you were supposed to!

Anthony: Yes... anyway. Can I come to your house and stalk you now?

Sweeney: You'll find me around Fleet Street... I shouldn't wander.

Anthony: Fleet Street, eh?

Sweeney: Yes... WAIT! NO! NO I DON'T LIVE ON FLEET STREET! I... I... I LIVE IN HYDE PARK. Yes, that's right. Hyde Park. Come visit me sometime. But remember; Hyde Park, definately not Fleet Street.

Anthony: Well, cheerio Mr. Todd!

Sweeney: (under breath) Oh piss off!

Anthony: (waving enthusiastically) Byeeee!

--

**A/N:** Well that went... interesting. Next up is Worst Pies In London, but you can't have it until I gets five reviews, mmkays? Yes, I am evil. So... reviews? Flames will be used to make pie and burn corpses, as usual.


	2. Pie Issues

**A/N:** I cannot believe I am actually uploading a second chapter. But apparently you peoples like parodies. Well, that's good to know. Because now I can write MORE. I decided to upload this after three reviews instead of five, as I do rather get a kick out of uploading stuff. Sad, I know. But anyway yeah. Also, big LURVE to the people that reviewed. Reviews make me all warm and fuzzy inside. So this is the second... interesting chapter.

**Disclaimer:** There is still a distinct lack of ownage in the Sweeney Todd department for me.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Two - Pie Issues**

Sweeney: (opening door of pie shop) Perhaps there will be no one here and I can just like, take over this place... (spots Nellie Lovett)... crap.

Nellie: _Wait, what's yer rush? What's yer hurry?_

Sweeney: I'm hurrying to get away from you...

Nellie: _You gave me such a... fright, I thought you was a ghost._

Sweeney: You have awful vocabulary, you know.

Nellie: _Half a minute, can't you sit? Sit ye down... SIT!_

Sweeney: (sitting down reluctantly) Ok, ok, I'm sitting!

Nellie: _All I meant is that I haven't seen a customer for weeks..._

Sweeney: No wonder! I mean, look at this place. And look at you. Christ, you're scary. Not to mention incredibly ugly.

Nellie: _Did ye come here for a pie sir? Do forgive me if me head's a little vague..._

Sweeney: No, actually I just came here to see if you're still here. Apparently, you are.

Nellie: What was that?

Sweeney: Nothing... nothing...

Nellie: _But you'd think we have the plague, from the way that people keep avoiding..._

Sweeney: Er...

Nellie: No you don't (squashes bug)

Sweeney: Ok, you scare me. A lot.

Nellie: _Heaven knows I try sir. But there's no one comes in even to inhale..._

Sweeney: (inhales, then nearly chokes to death) I wonder why!

Nellie: _Right you are so would you like a drop of ale? Mind you I can hardly blame them... these are probably the worst pies in London._

Sweeney: It appears you have very low self-esteem. I mean, you're really ugly and everything. But still...

Nellie: _I know why nobody cares to take them; I should know, I make 'em. But good? No! The worst pies in London..._

Sweeney: You really do have some pie issues, don't you?

Nellie: _Even that's polite - the worst pies in London. If you doubt it take a bite._

Sweeney: I'd rather not... (bites pie, then pulls disgusted face)

Nellie: _Is that just disgusting? You have to concede it. It's nothing but crusting, here drink this you'll need it. The worst pies in London..._

Sweeney: We've established the fact that your pies suck now...

Nellie: _And no wonder with the price of meat what it is, when you get it. Never thought I'd live to see the day men'd think it was a treat finding poor animals, wot are dying in the streets..._

Sweeney: Here we go again... you and your vulgar grammer.

Nellie: _Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop..._

Sweeney: Yeah, and it's doing better than yours. Wait... how do I know this? I've only been in London for what... two minutes?

Nellie: _Does her business but I've noticed something weird. Lately all her neighbours' cats have disappeared. Have to hand it to her... wot I calls enterprise, poppin' pussies into pies..._

Sweeney: Is someone feeling a little jealous?

Nellie: _Wouldn't do in my shop. Just the thought of it's enough to make you sick. And I'm telling you them pussycats is quick, no denying times is hard, sir..._

Sweeney: Did you even go to school? Because your grammer really is quite appalling.

Nellie: _Even harder than the worst pies in London. Only lard and nothing more... is that just disgusting? All greasy, and gritty. It looks like it's moulting, and tastes like, well pity..._

Sweeney: Can you stop with the worst pies crap now? Oh wait, that's the title of this song. And how can pies moult? Anyway, carry on.

Nellie: _A woman alone, with limited wind... and the worst pies in London. Ah sir, times is hard. Times is hard! _(squashes bug)

Sweeney: Glad that's over with.

Nellie: Yeah, me too. Now let's go into my house, because I always invite complete strangers in with me.

Sweeney: I'd rather not...

Nellie: You really don't have a choice. And if you do, I'll tell you a story about a really good-looking barber who got sent away to Australia...

Sweeney: LET'S GO!

--

**A/N:** Ah yes. That was also interesting, I feel. Poor Nellie, she really does have a lot of pie issues, doesn't she? Well, I suppose if I lived on my own for 15 years with nothing but my (utterly repulsive) pies for company, I would also develop pie issues. Meh. Reviews? :)


	3. What Colour Underwear Am I Wearing?

**A/N:** Omg wow. I'm actually on the third chapter. Seriously, I cannot believe it. And you're not getting bored yet? Whoa. This is... something. And thankyou thankyou and a million times thankyou to my AMAZING reviewers. I love you all. Really, I do. But... not like that.

This chapter is dedicated to Helen... simply because I am talking to her right now.

**Disclaimer:** Me. No. Own. Sweeney. Todd.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Three - What Colour Underwear Am I Wearing?**

Sweeney: You've got a room over the shop, haven't you? If times are so hard, why don't you rent it out?

Nellie: It might have something to do with the fact that people think it's haunted. But probably because I can't be arsed.

Sweeney: Haunted?

Nellie: I know, right. What prats. But anyway.. yeah, haunted. You see, years ago, something happened up there. Something not very nice. (pauses)

Sweeney: What happened?

(no response)

Sweeney: Hello? What happened up there?

Nellie: Sorry, I was just pausing for dramatic effect.

Sweeney: Ok. You. Sing. Now.

Nellie: _There was a barber and his wife... and he was beautiful. A proper artist with a knife, but they transported him for life... and he was beautiful._

Sweeney: Ok so you thought I... I mean, this barber guy who totally isn't me, was beautiful?

Nellie: Barker, his name was. But I forget his first name...

Sweeney: Benjamin.

Nellie: Wait... how do you know this?

Sweeney: (ominous voice) I know everything about everyone.

Nellie: Ok, what colour underwear am I wearing?

Sweeney: Red.

Nellie: Dang it.

Sweeney: Told you. Anyway, carry on singing about... this guy and his wife.

Nellie: _He had this wife, you see. Pretty little thing, silly little nit, had her chance for the moon on a string. Poor thing... poor thing..._

Sweeney: But this was supposed to be a HAPPY song.

Nellie: What makes you think it isn't?

Sweeney: The way you're talking about Lucy... I mean... the girl... being a poor thing.

Nellie: Yeah, but it might still be a happy song.

Sweeney: Is it?

Nellie: Well... no.

Sweeney: Told you. (sticks tounge out)

Nellie: _There was this judge, you see. Wanted her like mad, everyday he sent her a flower. But did she come down from her tower?_

Sweeney: Well how am I suppose to know?

Nellie: _Sat up there and sobbed by the hour. Poor fool. Ah, but there was worse yet to come, poor thing!_

Sweeney: Worse? WORSE? THERE'S WORSE TO COME? Noooo!

Nellie: _Well Beadle calls on her all polite, poor thing... poor thing. The judge, he tells her, is all contrite, he blames himself for her dreadful plight. She must come straight to his house tonight! Poor thing... poor thing..._

Sweeney: What with all this 'poor thing' stuff, and moaning over and over about the worst pies in London, people'll start to think you have repetition issues.

Nellie: It's for effect, duh.

Sweeney: Well it's just plain annoying.

Nellie: _Of course when she goes there, poor thing, poor thing, they're having this ball all in masks. There's no one she knows there, poor dear, poor thing, she wanders tormented and drinks, poor thing..._

Sweeney: Not the drink! She was a non-alcoholic... (sobs)

Nellie: _The judge has repented she thinks, poor thing. "Oh where is Judge Turpin?" she asks..._

Sweeney: Dramatic music? Oh noes!

Nellie: _He was there alright, only not so contrite._

Sweeney: He wasn't contrite? Oh no!

Nellie: This next bit could get pretty graphic. Little kids; cover your ears.

Sweeney: (covers ears) Oh wait, I'm not a little kid... (uncovers ears)

Nellie: _She wasn't no match for such craft, you see, and everyone thought it so droll. They figured she had to be daft, you see, so all of them stood there and laughed, you see. Poor soul... poor thing..._

Sweeney: NO! NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Oh wait... um, yes... No! Would no one have mercy on her?

Nellie: (shrugs) Not really, no. Oh my god, this means you're Benjamin Barker!

Sweeney: How on earth could you have worked that out just from me screaming?

Nellie: (ominous voice) I too have hidden talents. (normal voice) So are you Benjamin Barker or what?

Sweeney: Yeah, yeah I am... no wait... Benjamin Barker's a crap name. It's Todd now, Sweeney Todd. And he will have his revenge.

Nellie: How're you gonna do that?

Sweeney: No bloody idea...

--

**A/N:** Ow, my hands are hurting. I have been writing stuff all day. Poor hands... poor hands... ok I'll shut up now. Bah. I've written the next one. But you need to review if you want it :)


	4. Were You Just Hitting On Me?

**A/N:** Ok so this is the fourth chapter of this rather... odd... parody. But yes, I don't REALLY have anything to say here. This one was the hardest one to write, because they sing together. So... I just sorta... yeah... just read it :) Ooh and my latest trauma is that I got stung by nettles. Ha ha, well yeah. Finally. THANK YOU EVERYONE FOR REVIEWING. I LOVE YOU ALL, REALLY!

**Disclaimer:** I don't own them, I just play with them and return them in pieces.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Four - Were You Just Hitting On Me?**

Nellie: My! Them handles is chased silver, ain't they?

Sweeney: Silver, yes.

Nellie: Why didn't nobody tell me that? I should have sold them!

Sweeney: _These are my friends, see how they glisten. See this one shine, how he smiles in the light... my friend, my faithful friend._

Nellie: Ooh, shiny!

Sweeney: _Speak to me friend. Whisper -- I'll listen. I know, I know, you've been locked out of sight all these years. Like me, my friends..._

Nellie: Wow. I wanna be your friend too...

Sweeney: _Well I've come home, to find you waiting. Home... and we're together. And we'll do wonders... won't we?_

Nellie: Yes, I definately want to be your friend. Hey... I've been waiting too. And we can totally be together and do wonders and... other... stuff (winks)

Sweeney: _You there my friend..._

Nellie: _I'm your friend too, Mr. Todd..._

Sweeney: _Come let me hold you..._

Nellie: _If you only knew, Mr. Todd, ooh Mr. Todd..._

Sweeney: It does slightly worry me that you are making such odd noises...

Nellie: Yeah but it's because I really fancy you!

Sweeney: _Now, with a sigh, you grow warm in my hand..._

Nellie: _You're warm in my hand..._

Sweeney: _My friend..._

Nellie: _You've come home..._

Sweeney: _My clever friend..._

Nellie: _Always had a fondness for you, I did._

Sweeney: Wait... what? Were you just hitting on me?

Nellie: No, no of course not.

Sweeney: _Rest now my friends..._

Nellie: _Never you fear, Mr. Todd..._

Sweeney: _Soon I'll unfold you..._

Nellie: You can unfold me whenever you want (winks)

Sweeney: I can't help thinking that had a hidden meaning to it...

Nellie: _You can move in here, Mr. Todd..._

Both: _Splendors you never have seen, all your days..._

Nellie: _Will be yours..._

Sweeney: _My lucky friends..._

Nellie: _I'm your friend, and now your mine..._

Sweeney: _'Til now your shine was merely silver..._

Nellie: _Silver's good enough for me, Mr. T..._

Sweeney: I didn't ask your opinion. They're not for you, they're mine. ALL MINE, I TELL YOU!

Nellie: (pouts)... You can be all mine... (winks)

Sweeney: _Friends... you shall drip rubies. You'll soon drip precious rubies..._

Nellie: I can't help but feel a tad worried now you've said that. It sounds a bit... you know... psychotic...

Sweeney: Leave me.

Nellie: Ok. But I'll be downstairs... if you need me... at all... (winks)

--

**A/N:** Not only does Nellie have repetition issues, she now also appears to have winking issues. Oh well. So yes. Err... all I can really say is reviews, but I suppose you know by now.


	5. Well Fit

**A/N:** I suppose this one was quite... difficult. Because Johanna's the only one in the room when she sings this song. But Anthony's outside so let's just pretend the window is open. Or was it... ? I think it was. Oh good. I've put Green Finch and Linnet Bird together with Alms Alms because they're both short.

**Disclaimer:** Well, as it's my birthday in four days, I might ask for Sweeney Todd. But until then, I don't own. And I don't think I will get it either.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Five - Well Fit**

Johanna: Wow, I'm all alone in my room and I don't have anything better to do. So I might as well sing a song about birds. Oh look, there's a weird boy looking at me! (looks at Anthony)

Anthony: (staring at Johanna) Wow, she's well fit!

Johanna: _Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird; how is it you sing? How can you jubilate sitting in cages, never taking wing?_

Anthony: Wow. Not only is she extremely fit, but she can also sing. Wow!

Johanna: _Outside the sky waits, beckoning, beckoning, just beyond the bars. How can you remain staring at the rain... maddened by the stars?_

Anthony: God, she sings high. It's kinda weird... but she's still fit. So that makes it ok!

Johanna: _How is it you sing anything? How is it you sing?_

Anthony: Can you believe I've only been in London for like, a day and I've already met a fit girl?

Johanna: _My cage has many rooms, damask and dark. Nothing there sings, not even my lark..._

Anthony: Wait a minute... she's singing about birds. That's weird... but it's ok because she's well fit.

Johanna: _Larks never will you know, when they're captive, teach me to be more adaptive..._

Anthony: I don't get it. But then again, I don't get many things. But oh well, because she's fit.

Johanna: _Green finch and linnet bird, nightingale, blackbird, teach me how to sing..._

Anthony: I'm so totally mesmerized by how fit she is!

Johanna: _If I cannot fly... let me sing..._

Anthony: Aw. It's over. (pouts) Regardless, I think I'll just hang here for a while and stare at her because she's that fit. I've just realised that I don't even know her name!

Lucy: _Alms, alms, for a miserable morning, on a miserable chilly morning..._ (man drops money into her hand)_... thank you sir, thank you..._

Anthony: Oh look, a beggar woman who looks incredibly insane. She's bound to know who the fit girl is, so I will ask her.

(approaches Lucy)

Anthony: Ma'am, could you tell me whose house this is?

Lucy: What's it to ya?

Anthony: See, the girl who lives there is well fit and I wanna know her name.

Lucy: Oh ok. That's the great Judge Turpin's house, that is.

Anthony: Well I'm pretty sure that's not the fit girl's name. Come on, woman, who is the fit girl?

Lucy: (slowly) Oh... that's Johanna... his pretty little ward. Keeps her snug he does, all locked up. So don't you go trespassing there, or it's a good whipping for you or any other young man with mischief on his mind!

Anthony: Well, that sounds painful. But I wasn't going to trespass. I was going to knock on the door and ask to see fit girl... I mean, Johanna.

Lucy: _How would you like a little muff dear? A little jig jig, a little bounce around the bush..._

Anthony: (backs away) It sounds like you're making provocative comments...

Lucy: _Wouldn't you like to push me parsley? It looks to me dear like you got plenty there to push!_

Anthony: As I am so innocent, I have no idea what that means. But if I did, I would probably walk away.

Lucy: (walking away) _Alms, alms... for a desperate woman..._

Anthony: Erm, ok. I probably shouldn't talk to random beggars now. But now I know what fit girl... er, Johanna's name is. So I shall sing a song about her! THEN SHE'LL FALL IN LOVE WITH ME!

--

**A/N:** I didn't realise the two songs were that short. So I put them together. Um, yes. So... my nose hurts a lot as I have a cold. Oh dear. Reviews would make it better, I'm sure.


	6. I'll Stalk You, Johanna

**A/N:** I've been looking forward to doing this song. It has certain... parodying potential. Do you not think? Yes, yes indeed. Wow, I sound almost as insane as Lucy. Now I need to apply some Vaseline to my nose.

**Disclaimer:** It doesn't look like I'm getting Sweeney and co. for my birthday. So I don't own them. But hopefully I'm getting an electric guitar for my birthday. So I will own that, if anyone wants to make a fanfic about it ;)

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Six - I'll Stalk You, Johanna**

Anthony: _I feel you, Johanna. I feel you..._

Johanna: Oh crap. It's that weird dude again, hanging outside my window singing.

Anthony: _I was half convinced I'd waken, satisfied enough to dream you..._

Johanna: Er... ok? Creepy. Who dreams about girls they don't know? Apparently, he does.

Anthony: _Happily I was mistaken, Johanna._

Johanna: (laughs) I feel sorry for this Johanna girl. Wait... I'm Johanna... crap.

Anthony: _I'll steal you, Johanna. I'll steal you._

Johanna: Actually, you know what? I'm fine. Really, I don't need stealing.

Anthony: _I'll steal you, Johanna. I'll steal you._

Johanna: I thought we'd grasped the fact that I don't want to be stolen by you...

Anthony: _Do they think that walls can hide you?_

Johanna: Who are 'they'? What are you on about? ...And how long have you been watching my house?

Anthony: _Even now I'm at your window..._

Johanna: (squeak)

Anthony: _I am in the dark beside you..._

Johanna: (checks) (breathes sigh of relief) No, no you're not.

Anthony: _Buried sweetly in your yellow hair._

Johanna: My hair's BLONDE, ok? And you're not burying yourself in it, because I just washed it. With... Tresemme (dramatic hair flick)

Anthony: _I feel you, Johanna..._

Johanna: You mean, you'll STALK me, weirdo.

Anthony: _And one day, I'll steal you..._

Johanna: (squeak of terror)

Anthony: _'Til I'm with you then..._

Johanna: Please, go away. You're not going to be with me at all because I am utterly terrified of you, sir.

Anthony: _I'm with you there..._

Johanna: (checks) No, thank God. You're still not anywhere near me. You're outside my window and I think I'm going to have to walk away now.

Anthony: _Sweetly buried in your yellow hair!_

Johanna: Can't you just say blonde hair? Or does it not fit? Grr...

(long pause)

Johanna: Hey, have you ever realised you look quite like a lesbian girl?

Anthony: I LOVE YOU TOO JOHANNA!

Johanna: Argh! (walks away from window)

--

**A/N:** Erm yeah. That was really short. But Johanna is a really short song. So up next is erm... (checks)... Pirelli's Miracle Elixir. Gr, I am not being funny but I am NOT looking forward to this. Also, it won't be up until, maybe... SATURDAY. Because tomorrow I have an ICT class after school. THURSDAY IS MY BIRTHDAY! Friday, me and my friends are going out for my party. So I will write it and upload it on Saturday. Sorry!


	7. Misleading Advertisment

**A/N:** You can all kill me if you want. I have not updated for ages and I deserve some kind of weird, deranged punishment. I probably could come up with a million excuses, but the fact is I am damn lazy. Oh, and I've been busy and I totally forgot about this. Yes, I should be killed. But if you kill me, I cannot post anymore. Consider that, if you will. Oh and I apologise in advance if this sucks, but I was totally not feeling this song.

**Disclaimer:** ...I did not get Sweeney and co. for my birthday or Christmas. But I am now in possession of quite a few things, so if anyone wants to make a fanfic about a guitar, a camera, or a set of iPod speakers, then just let me know ;)

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Seven - Misleading Advertisment**

Toby: _Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please?_

Nellie: Yes, yes you may actually. How nice of you to ask.

Sweeney: I assume you are responding for the gentlemen, Mrs. Lovett.

Nellie: I've known you for what, about a week and you're already insulting me.

Toby: _Do you wake every morning in shame and despair to discover your pillow is covered with hair what ought not to be there?_

Nellie: Whoa, that was a mouthful.

Sweeney: Considering we both have a head full of hair... (mumbling) some of ours in better condition than the other... but yes, I do not think this applies to us.

Toby: _Well ladies and gentlemen, from now on you can waken at ease._

Sweeney: (snort) Well that's comforting, isn't it?

Toby: _You need never again have a worry or care, I will show you a miracle marvellous rare._

Sweeney: So you're telling me that because you have some liquid in a bottle, I don't need to care that the Judge killed my wife and kidnapped my daughter?

Nellie: I don't think that's quite the same thing, dear.

Sweeney: MISLEADING ADVERTISMENT!!!

Toby: _Ladies and gentlemen, you are about to see something what rose from the dead..._

Sweeney: Oh, I've already seen Mrs. Lovett.

Nellie: That wasn't even funny.

Toby: _...On the top of my head._

Nellie: Oh my God, IT'S HANNAH MONTANA.

Sweeney: ...You really are sad.

Nellie: But of course, I don't really care about Hannah Montana, because I am so not that sad. (cough)

Toby: _'Twas Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, that's what did the trick sir, true sir true._

Nellie: Ooh, sing 'The Best Of Both Worlds' next!

Toby: _Was it quick sir? Did it in a tick sir. Just like an elixir ought to do!_

Sweeney: So that's what an elixir is supposed to do. And all this time, I was thinking it was for growing flowers.

Nellie: Well, clearly you were wrong because Hannah has just told us it's for growing hair.

Toby: _How about a bottle mister? Only costs a penny, guaranteed._

Sweeney: Geez, that's one sad kid. Trying to sell bottles of... whatever it is that he's selling.

Toby: _Does Pirelli's stimulate the growth, sir? You can have my oath, sir, 'tis unique..._

Nellie: For some reason, that doesn't comfort me. It's 'unique'. Sounds dodgy to me.

Sweeney: Ooh, I have an idea Mrs. Lovett. This is really boring, so let us start an uproar.

Toby: _Rub a minute, stimulating, in'it? Soon you'll have to thin it once a week._

Sweeney: _Pardon me, ma'am, what's that awful stench?_

Toby: Crap, they're on to me.

Nellie: _Are we standing near an open trench?_

Toby: Actually, we are. But that's beside the point!

Sweeney: (in unison with Nellie) _Must be standing near an open trench._

Nellie: (in unison with Sweeney) _Pardon me, sir, what's that awful stench?_

Toby: They're singing in unison! Ooh, fancy. I ought to try some of that... oh wait, I'm supposed to be singing.

Toby: _Buy Pirelli's Miracle Elixir, anything will slick, sir, soon sprouts curls._

Nellie: Well what if you don't want curls? What if you want waves, or something else?

Toby: _Try Pirelli's, when they see how thick sir, you can have your pick sir of the girls._

Nellie: Personally, I wouldn't date a boy because of the amount of hair on his head.

Sweeney: Yes, but you're not actually a girl yet, are you?

Nellie: What are you talking about? It's Victorian times, idiot. I don't even think you can have the change.

Sweeney: Still. I think we should start another outroar.

Nellie: Okay. You have to base it on this one word. Piss.

Toby: _Wanna buy a bottle, missus?_

Sweeney: _What is this?_

Nellie: _What is this?_

Sweeney: _Smells like piss!_

Nellie: _Smells like... ew. Wouldn't touch it if I was you, dear._

Sweeney: _This is piss, piss with ink._

Nellie: Good one.

Sweeney: I know. I'm very good at these sort of games. I've been playing them for fifteen years in an Australian prison.

Toby: _Let Pirelli's activate your roots sir...._

Sweeney: _Keep it off your boots sir, eats right through._

Toby: _Yes get Pirelli's, use a bottle of it. Ladies seem to love it!_

Nellie:_ Flies do too!_

Sweeney: Nicely done.

Toby: Ah, you bastards. I'm getting Pirelli!

--

**A/N:** To me, that was a complete failure. But I actually hate this song with a burning passion. So I am definately not redoing it. According to my super-handy-at-times-like-this Sweeney Todd soundtrack, the next song is to be The Contest. Ew. Why am I getting all the horrid, un-funny songs right now? I suppose I shall have to suck it up. Will update soon. IF I GET REVIEWS. Mwah ha ha ha ha. As always, flames will be used to cook foods of my choice.


	8. Turpin Replica Hotpants

**A/N:** Well, I have not been looking forward to this. More than I was not looking forward to Pirell's Miracle Elixir. Which, by the end, I actually quite liked. Oh, and I know I haven't updated in a while. I actually have an excuse this time. Do you want to hear it? Probably not, but I'm going to tell you anyway. Well basically we switched internet providers, and the new ones are stupid and didn't come out and connect our internet for ages. Which is why I haven't updated. But anyway, this chapter is dedicated to Siobhan, because I know how much she loves Pirelli and his eye-talian accent.

**Disclaimer:** Erm no, I'm not the owner of Sweeney Todd. You should know that by now though.

**Chapter Eight - Turpin Replica Gold Hotpants**

Pirelli: _I am Adofo Pirelli, the king of da barbers, da barber of kings..._

Sweeney: 'Da' barbers? Ooh, Pirelli is gangsta, it would seem.

Pirelli: _...E buon giorno, good day. I blow you a kiss _(blows kiss)

Sweeney: Oi you! Stop hitting on my woman.

Nellie: (grinning) I'm your woman now, am I?

Sweeney: No! No, I didn't mean that. I meant... oh, never mind. Besides, you're not a girl. Remember?

Pirelli: _And I, the so famous Pirelli, I wish-a to know-a who has-a the nerve-a to say..._

Nellie: Wow, he sure is a fan of the letter 'a', ain't he?

Sweeney: (twitching) Must. Not. Mention. Grammar.

Pirelli: _...My elixir is piss. Who says this?_

Sweeney: I do. It's Sweeney, betch.

Pirelli: What is zis 'betch' you speak of?

Sweeney: Never mind. Anyway, so I have opened a bottle of Pirelli's Miracle Elixir. And basically, it's piss in a bottle. You sir, are selling piss in a bottle. (mumbling) Such a good idea. Why didn't I think of something like that? (speaking normally) As you are selling piss in a bottle, I've decided you are a crap barber. Therefore, I challenge you to a Super Barber Duel to see who is better...-er.

Pirelli: You hear zis foolish man? Now please, you will see how he will regret-a his-a folly.

Nellie: See, that's really gonna piss me off.

Sweeney: Whose for a free shave?

Crowd: (simultaneously) Me! Me! Me!

Nellie: Tight arses.

Sweeney: Will Beadle Bamford be the judge?

Beadle: The Judge? I get to be the Judge? Okay, let me just go home and get my Turpin replica gold hotpants and I'll... oh, you meant judge the contest? Yeah, sure. Whatever. And for the record, I don't have Turpin replica gold hotpants either. The fastest, smoothest shave is the winner.

Pirelli: _Now, signorini, singori, we mix-a da lather, but first-a you gather around. Signorini, signori, you looking a man who have had-a the glory to shave-a da Pope_

Sweeney: Yeah, yeah of course you did. Erm, I bet it was just some sad cardinal and you just said he was the Pope. Because that's how sad you are. Sad.

Pirelli: _Mr. Sweeney whoever -- I beg-a your pardon --'ll probably say it was only a cardinal_

Sweeney: How the hell did he hear me from all the way over there?

Pirelli: _Nope! It was-a da Pope!_

(Toby holds up picture)

Nellie: You blatantly drew that yourself. The Pope doesn't sign his name 'The Pope'. What do you think we are, stupid?

(crowd gasps)

Nellie: Apparently we are.

Pirelli: _To shave-a da face, to cut-a da hair, require da grace, require da flair_

Sweeney: I'm-a going to kill-a you if you keep-a talking like that-a.

Pirelli: _For if-a you slip, you nick da skin, you clip-a the chin, you rip-a the lip a bit beyond-a repair_

Sweeney: Oh so that's why Mrs. Lovett looks so weird. Tragic shaving accident. It all makes so much more sense now.

Pirelli: _To shave-a da face, or even a part, without it-a smart, require the heart_

Sweeney: I love how you make shaving seem like an amazing talent, when anyone can do it. All you have to do is pick up a damn razor and... oh wait, I get paid for this. No, people. Shaving is a very difficult job and it should only be left to paid professionals. Like me.

Pirelli: _Not just-a da flash, it take-a panache, it take-a da passion for da art_

Sweeney: Or, it just takes the desire to see people's blood dripping down... why is everyone looking at me funny? Was it something I said?

Pirelli: _It take-a da will, it take-a da brains, it take-a da will, to take-a da pains_

Sweeney: I can just tell he's building up to some huge finale here.

Pirelli: _It take-a da pace, it take-a da graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaace_

Sweeney: Yup, I was right. Epic fail, Pirelli. Epic. Fail.

Beadle: The winner... is Todd.

Sweeney: (victory dance) Oh yeah, oh yeah. Go Sweeney, it's your birthday. We're gonna party like it's your birthday... (stops dancing) Oops, forgot I was a moody emo barber for a second there. In your face, Pirelli. Kiss my arse, betch. You can just...

Nellie: (looking at him worriedly) Okay, I think it's time to go now before you get too carried away.

Sweeney: (sulking, but doing what she says) Fine. (turning back to Pirelli) I'LL BE BAAACK.

---

**A/N:**Yup, that sucked. But I suppose it's better than uploading nothing. There's not much you can do with The Contest anyway. Well, according to my book, the next song I shall be parodying is Wait. But because it's so short, I'll probably put it with the next one. Although I don't know what that is and I'm too lazy to open the book again. So I shall just have to wait and see.


	9. Manly Essence

**A/N:** Ooh, chapter nine. This is actually the longest thing I have ever written in my entire life. And it's the first story that I've ever done which has received this many reviews. Which reminds me; THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU to everyone who has reviewed. I try to reply to everyone, but sometimes I forget or I'm just really lazy. You seriously don't know how much I appreciate the reviews. This chapter, however good or bad it is, has been dedicated to Ella. Although she created Bullfrog.

**Disclaimer:** I have officially said that I do not own Sweeney Todd nine times now. But I suppose if I didn't mention it every chapter, I'd be in trouble. So I don't own it.

**Chapter Nine - Manly Essence**

Nellie: It's not much of a chair, but it'll do. Was me poor Albert's chair. Sit in it all day, he did, after...

Sweeney: Mrs. Lovett. I asked if I could borrow one of your chairs. I didn't ask for a bloody sob story to go with it. Now either shut up or get out.

Nellie: Yes, dear. Sorry, dear.

Sweeney: That's not shutting up. Hey, I just had a random thought. Why doesn't the Beadle come? "Before the week is out", that's what he said.

Nellie: And who says the week's out? It's only Tuesday.

Sweeney: What the hell? No way... shut up.

Nellie: _Easy now. Hush, love, hush. Don't distress yourself, what's your rush?_

Sweeney: What's my rush? WHAT'S MY RUSH? Well, let's see. The Judge raped my wife and has kidnapped my daughter. That's my rush.

Nellie: _Keep your thoughts nice and lush. Wait_

Sweeney: Lush? I see you had trouble rhyming with the word 'rush'. Well, there's... you know... er... there's 'thrush'. On second thoughts, perhaps 'lush' was a good word.

Nellie: _Hush, love, hush. Think it through. Once it bubbles then what's to do?_

Sweeney: I was thinking about that the other day, actually. And I've decided after I've killed Judge Turpin, I might go for world domination.

Nellie: _Watch it close, let it brew. Wait_

Sweeney: You do realise I'm not actually paying any attention to you whatsoever, right?

Nellie: _I've been thinking flowers -- maybe daisies -- to brighten up the room_

Sweeney: Wow. You get distracted easily, don't you?

Nellie: _Don't you think some flowers -- pretty daisies -- might relieve the gloom?_

Sweeney: Erm, no. And anyway, it's not gloom. It's my Manly Essence.

Nellie: _Ah wait, love, wait_

Sweeney: And the Judge? When will we get to him?

Nellie: Can't you think of nothing else? Always brooding away in your wrongs, what happened heaven knows how many years ago.

Sweeney: My wrongs? They're not my wrongs, woman. Oh, and they happened fifteen years ago actually.

Nellie: _Slow, love, slow. Time's so fast. Now goes quickly -- see, now it's past!_

Sweeney: That was probably the lamest thing you've ever said. Not to mention the most flaming obvious thing.

Nellie: _Soon will come, soon will last. Wait_

Sweeney: Okay, now you're starting to sound like something out of a fortune cookie.

Nellie: _Don't you know, silly man, half the fun is to plan the plan_

Sweeney: Don't call me silly. I am not silly. (pokes tounge out)

Nellie: _All good things come to those who can wait_

Sweeney: You've stolen that from somewhere, haven't you? I swear I've heard that before.

Nellie: _Gillyflowers maybe, 'stead of daisies. I don't know though, what do you think?_

Sweeney: Do you want to know what I think? I think you should shut up and go away. And possibly get your brain tested.

--- MEANWHILE ---

Judge: I have news for you, my friend. (under breath) Although you're not really my friend. (speaking normally) In order to shield her from the evils of this world, I have decided to marry my dear Johanna.

Beadle: (under breath) Pervert. (speaking normally) Ah sir, happy news indeed.

Judge: Strange though; when I offered myself to her, she showed a certain... reluctance.

Beadle: That's because you're a disgusting pervert.

Judge: What was that?

Beadle: _Excuse me, my lord, my I request, my lord, permission, my lord, to speak?_

Judge: You can request it, but that doesn't mean you're going to get it.

Beadle: _Forgive me if I suggest, my lord, you're looking less than your best, my lord..._

Judge: What? How very, very dare you!

Beadle: _...There's powder upon your vest, my lord, and stubble upon your cheek. And ladies, my lord, are weak_

Judge: What are you trying to suggest? That I don't wash? Well, perhaps I am a little overhasty in the morning.

Beadle: _Fret not though, my lord, I know a place, my lord, a barber, my lord, of skill_

Judge: A barber? Oh yes, of course, to remove the powder from my vest.

Beadle: _Thus armed with a shaven face, my lord, some eau de cologne to brace, my lord..._

Judge: Armed? WATCH OUT, LONDON, I'VE GOT A SHAVEN FACE! (Charlie's Angels-type movement)

Beadle: _...And musk to enhance the chase, my lord, you'll dazzle the girl until..._

Judge: Until? I rape her?

Beadle: _She bows to your every will_

Judge: Right. And then I rape her?

Beadle: No, that comes later. Much later.

Judge: Where were we? Oh yes. (posh voice) A barber? Take me to him.

---

**A/N:**Ladies In Their Sensitivities? Ew, I didn't realise that was next. I personally think that song is pretty random and pointless, no offence to anyone who likes it. I'm glad it's next to Wait though, because they're both quite short so I can put them together. After this is Pretty Women, which I am actually looking forward to because I think it will be quite hilarious. One of the few I am desperate to do, actually. And Siobhan knows which songs they are as we discussed it during Maths.


	10. Turpin's Paedophile Chord

**A/N:** At last. One I am actually looking forward too. Although I can't guarantee it'll be any good. I don't actually know what to write here now, and I usually have so much to say. Well, I am dedicating this chapter to Ellie, because I think she needs a nice chapter to cheer her up right now. I am coming to (not-really)live from my graphics classroom. Not-really-live because I won't be there by the time you read this. I've sort of just been carrying the laptop around school and doing pieces in lessons. I am risking my education for you people now. Anyway, on with the parodying.

**Disclaimer:** Non-ownage of Sweeney claim number ten; I. Do. Not. Own. This. Movie. Okay? Oh, and if you break any bones, I will not be held liable. Remember that.

**Oh and guys, this is still me. I've just changed my penname because it's incredibly long and takes ages to type. Just incase you thought I was some crazed imposter xD**

**Chapter Ten - Turpin's Paedophile Chord**

Judge: Mr. Todd?

Sweeney: How do you know my name, betch?... Oh wait, it's the Judge. Erm... yo! No, that's not right... Erm, at your service. Yes. An honour to receive your patronage.

Judge: Do you know me, sir?

Sweeney: Yes, actually I do. You only raped my wife and... oh. (whisper) Better arselick him. (speaking normally) Who in this wide world does not know the great Judge Turpin? What may I do for you today sir? A stylish trimming of the hair? A soothing skin massage? Sit, sir, sit.

Judge: _You see, sir, a man infatued with love; her ardent and eager slave. So fetch the pomade and pumice stone..._

Sweeney: You're gonna need a lot more than that.

Judge: _...And lend me a more seductive tone; a sprinkling perhaps of French cologne. But first, sir, I think -- a shave_

Sweeney: _The closest I ever gave_

Judge: Oi! Who said you could join in singing with me? This was supposed to be my big solo.

Sweeney: Well, I decided I wanted to join in. So carry on.

Judge: What? Oh right... You're in a merry mood today, Mr. Todd.

Sweeney: _'Tis your delight catching fire from one man to the next_

Judge: What a load of bullshit.

Sweeney: Hey, I'm just trying to make this song sound a bit more interesting.

Judge: _'Tis true, sir, love can still inspire the blood to pound, the heart leap higher_

Sweeney: ...But I'm not in love with anyone.

Both: _What more, what more can man require --_

Judge: _Than love, sir?_

Sweeney: That's what I said.

Judge: Right, I knew that.

Sweeney: _More than love, sir_

Judge: _What, sir?_

Sweeney: _Women_

Judge: _Ah, yes, women_

Sweeney: I knew that would strike his paedophile chord.

Judge: What was that?

Sweeney: _Pretty women. Now then, my friend. Now to your purpose. Patience, enjoy it, revenge can't be taken in haste_

Judge: Crap, I think he's trying to kill me. I'd better distract him instead of just getting up and leaving!

Sweeney: Ew, I'm starting to sound like Mrs. Lovett. I'VE CAUGHT THE DISEASE. Oh right, back to murder.

Judge: _Make haste, and if we wed, you'll be commended, sir_

Sweeney: _My lord... and who, may it be said, is your intended, sir?_

Judge: _My ward_

Sweeney: Ohmygosh, you're trying to marry my daughter!

Judge: And pretty as a rosebud.

Sweeney: Pretty as her mother?

Judge: What? What was that?

Sweeney: Oh nothing, sir. Nothing.

Judge: It'd better be nothing.

Sweeney: _Pretty women, fascinating..._

Judge: Yes, they are. Especially with no clothes on.

Sweeney: _Sipping coffee, dancing..._

Judge: Now do we mean dancing as in actual dancing or as in... dancing?

Sweeney: _Pretty women are a wonder --_

Judge: --Without clothes on in your bed.

Sweeney: _Pretty women. Sitting in the window or standing on the stair..._

Judge: Or in your pants.

Sweeney: _...Something in them cheers the air_

Judge: Only the ones that do you on a regular basis, though.

Sweeney: I cannot believe I am actually sitting through this. You'd have thought I'd have killed you by now.

Judge: You know, I was thinking the same thing. Most people try after about 10 seconds.

Sweeney: _Pretty women..._

Judge:_ Silhouetted..._

Sweeney: Did you just say 'salivating'?

Judge: No.

Sweeney: _Stay within you..._

Judge: My Paedosenses are running amock right now.

Sweeney: I didn't mean it that way, you know.

Judge: _Glancing..._

Sweeney: _Stay forever..._

Judge: ...In your bedroom.

Sweeney: Those aren't the words. (facepalm)

Judge: _Breathing lightly..._

Sweeney: _Pretty women..._

Both: _Pretty women! Blowing out their candles or combing out their hair...._

Judge: _Then they leave..._

Sweeney: Whoa, that's harsh. They do you and then leave? Ouch.

Judge: _Even when they leave you and vanish they somehow can still remain there with you_

Sweeeney: But that's only because you steal their underwear!

Both: _Ah, pretty women_

Judge: ...In my pants. Oh wait, it's not my turn to sing.

Sweeney: _At their mirrors..._

Judge: _In their gardens..._

Sweeney: I can't help but think that has a sick double-meaning.

Judge: Oh it does.

Sweeney: _Letter-writing..._

Judge: _Flower-picking...._

Sweeney: _Weather-watching..._

Judge: Weather-watching? You pansy.

Both: _How they make a man sing. Proof of heaven -- as you're living..._

Sweeney: Something you won't be doing for much longer.

Both: _Pretty women, sir_

Judge: _Pretty women, yes!_

Sweeney: Did you just say 'cress'?

Judge: You need your hearing tested, dude.

Sweeney: _Pretty women, here's to..._

Judge: _Pretty women, sir..._

Sweeney: _Pretty women, all the..._

Judge: ...Paedophiles.

Sweeney: God, you really have to stop all this pervert business.

Judge: I know, it's really not good for my image. But I can't help it!

Both: _Pretty women_

Judge: _Pretty women, sir!_

Sweeney: Ah see now you've ruined it! Typical!

Judge: What are you trying to say?!?!

Anthony: (bursting through the door) You're a complete bastard and we all hate you!

Judge: (angry, leaving shop) Oh really? Well.... I'M GOING RAPE JOHANNA. NAH NAH NAH NAH NAAH.

Sweeney and Anthony: Noooooo!

---

**A/N:**Erm, unfunny much? I really am loosing my funny streak right now. I shall have to attempt to get it back. At a later date. But for now, I shall eat curly fries. Reviews would be much appreciated, especially long conversation-y ones that I can reply too and we can have a good ole chatiscle. Yes, I like those.


	11. Ooh, Foreplay

**A/N: I'm actually writing this chapter from inside my PE Theory class at the moment. Whether I finish it in here or not is a different matter, because we're supposed to be doing work on respiration or something. See, once again I am sacrificing my education. Not that I mind that much. Siobhan was supposed to be helping me with this chapter, but she's not in my PE Theory class. So she can help me next time. Anyway, enough of my rambling, because I suppose you came here to read the parody.**

**Disclaimer: I still don't own Sweeney Todd, because if I did I wouldn't be sitting in school typing on a stoneage laptop.**

You may/may not have realised this, but I've stopped writing about the italics and stuff. Oh well.

**Chapter Eleven - Ooh, Foreplay**

Anthony: M..Mister Todd?

Sweeney: Out.

Anthony: ...But I was talking about Johanna! I thought you liked Johanna!

Sweeney: Get. The Fuck. Out.

(Anthony runs out of the room and Nellie runs in)

Nellie: What's all this shouting and running about? The sailor busted in, I know, and I saw them both running down the stairs...

Sweeney: Well then why are you asking me?!

Nellie: I just thought that...

Sweeney: Shut up now, I'm going to sing a song about death and stuff.

Nellie: Yes, dear.

Sweeney: _I had him! His throat was there, beneath my hand..._

Nellie: There there dear, calm down.

Sweeney: _No! I had him. His throat was there and he'll never come again_

Nellie: _Easy now, hush love, hush. Don't distress yourself..._

Sweeney: _WHEN?!_

Nellie: _...What's your rush?_

Sweeney: My rush? MY RUSH? You'd think by now you'd realise what my rush was.

Nellie: Yes, well I felt I needed to say something.

Sweeney: _Why did I wait? You told me to wait!_

Nellie: So you choose now to listen to me?

Sweeney: _Now he'll never come again_

Nellie: I think we've established that he's not coming again.

Sweeney: _There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with sh*t..._

Nellie: Oh dear.

Sweeney: _...And the vermin of the world inhabit it. But not for long_

Nellie: I don't like where this is going.

Sweeney: You don't like anything going anywhere unless it's your bedroom.

Nellie: ...True.

Sweeney: _They all deserve to die. Tell you why, Mrs Lovett, tell you why_

Nellie: And you think I have repitition issues?

Sweeney: _Because in all of the whole human race, Mrs Lovett, there are two kinds of men and only two_

Nellie: I love the way you say my name. It's really hot.

Sweeney: _There's the one staying put in his proper place, and the one with his foot in the other one's face_

Nellie: That's the last time I come up here and ask what's wrong.

Sweeney: _Look at me, Mrs Lovett, look at you _(turns to face her)

Nellie: I'm always looking at you, dear. Even when you don't realise it... (creepy smile)

Sweeney: _No, we all deserve to die. Even you, Mrs Lovett, even I _(crosses the room and grabs Nellie by the throat)

Nellie: So we can die together, right? In each others arms, yeah? I think I should shut up, since you have me by the throat.

Sweeney: _Because the lives of the wicked should be made brief _(pushes Nellie in chair and lifts razor to her throat)

Nellie: Ooh, foreplay.

Sweeney: _For the rest of us death will be a relief. No, we all deserve to die..._

Nellie: Okay, I'm sick of foreplay now. Moving on. (winks)

Sweeney: _And I'll never see Johanna, no I'll never hug my girl to me_

Nellie: Well, I know someone else you can hug to you. (cough)

Sweeney: _FINISHED!_

Nellie: I said about ten minutes ago that our foreplay was finished, dear.

Sweeney: _Alright! You sir, you sir, how about a shave? Come and visit your good friend Sweeney_

Nellie: 'Kay, so I'm not your friend but that lamp is? Because it's a LAMP.

Sweeney: _You sir, too sir? Welcome to the grave_

Nellie: Dear, that's a chair. It can't go to the grave.

Sweeney: _I will have vengence, I will have salvation!_

Nellie: Yes, dear. You've been saying that for a bloody long time now.

Sweeney: _Who sir, you sir? No one's in the chair, come on, come on_

Nellie: I'm starting to think you have issues. What with your talking to razors, and now items in your shop.

Sweeney: _Sweeney's waiting; I want you bleeders_

Nellie: See, what exactly does that mean? Are they people whom you want to bleed or are they a specific category of people?

Sweeney: _You sir, anybody! Gentlemen, now don't be shy_

Nellie: They're bloody stools, dear. Not. Men.

Sweeney: _Not one man, no nor ten men, nor a hundred can assuge me_

Nellie: Assuge? Not sure what that means so I'll just smile and nod.

Sweeney: _I will have you!_

Nellie: I hope you're talking to me. In a sexual way. (winks)

Sweeney: _And I will get him back even as he gloats, in the mean time I'll practise on less honourable throats_

Nellie: Bloody old Judge again. Just shut up and do me, already.

Sweeney: _And my Lucy lies in ashes and I'll never see my girl again_

Nellie: Oh for goodness sake, get over it already. She's gone. G-o-n-e.

Sweeney: _But the work waits; I'm alive at last. And I'm full of joy!_

Nellie: That's nice dear. Now, let's go down to my bedroom...

Sweeney: I'M NOT GOING TO SHAG YOU!

Nellie: Jeez, didn't have to be so harsh.

---

**A/N:** Sorry it's taken ages to do. I've had lots of Sweeney Todd rehearsals. Because of this, I won't be updating until this time next week as we are performing through all of next week. I'm really sorry, but I won't have time to do anything apart from... well, perform. Reviews would be nice. Oh, and thank you so much to everyone that's reviewed. 70 REVIEWS? That's more than I could ever have asked for. I love you all, seriously. Just... not in that way. xD


	12. What The Fop?

**A/N:** I am actually so sorry this is really late. But have had Sweeney Todd and everything. It's all over now. I had written this chapter up completely and saved it to my memory stick, but then someone stole it. I'm not even joking; I was at the printer at school printing off a copy of the Sweeney Todd programmes for Chris, when some sad case just basically pinched it from the computer. Some people. Well, I shall stop rambling on now and just let you enjoy the chapter. Oh, just had a thought. I have really been messing up the layouts of this parody. Shall go back to the original one. And finally, I do not own the line about stuffing socks down pants here, I am merely borrowing it because it made me laugh.

**Disclaimer:** Twelve chapters in, and I still don't own them.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that. And yes, I am back to writing that in again.

Also, have cut some lyrics out of this song to make it easier to work with. Nothing major, just parts from the bits they sing together.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Twelve - What The Fop?**

Nellie: _Seems a downright shame_

Sweeney: _Shame?_

Nellie: _Seems an awful waste_

Sweeney: You know, I'm totally not interested in anything you're saying right now.

Nellie: _Such a nice plump frame what's-his-name has... had... has, nor he can't be traced_

Sweeney: Okay firstly there was no way Pirelli was fat, and secondly I have no idea where you're going with this.

Nellie: _Business needs a lift, debts to be erased_

Sweeney: What exactly has it got to do with me? Oh no, you're not going to force me into prostitution, are you?

Nellie: _Think of it as thrift, as a gift, if you get my drift_

Sweeney: Seriously, I am not becoming a prostitute for you.

Nellie: _I mean, with the price of meat what it is... when you get it... if you get it_

Sweeney: If this is about stuffing a sock down my pants, I'm way ahead of you.

Nellie: No, it's got nothing to do with that. Wait... does that mean you stuff socks down your pants?

Sweeney: No, it doesn't. So what is this plan?

Nellie: Basically; WE KILL PEOPLE AND COOK THEM INTO PIE.

Sweeney: _Ah_

Nellie: _Good, you got it_

Sweeney: But I didn't get it. I thought you were talking about selling me off as a male prostitute!

Nellie: _Take for instant Mrs Mooney and her pie shop; business never better; using only pussycats and toast_

Sweeney: Seriously, your obsession with Mrs Mooney is beyond scary. Do you fancy her? Oh wait, no you don't. You love me and I pretend not to notice.

Nellie: _Now a pussy's good for maybe six or seven at the most. And I'm sure they can't compare as far as taste_

Sweeney: You're so jealous, I can tell. You wish you'd came up with that idea.

Nellie: No, I think cooking people is much more socially acceptable.

Sweeney: _Mrs Lovett, what a charming notion; eminently practical and yet appropriate as always_

Nellie: Yes! I knew you well fancied me.

Sweeney: _Mrs Lovett, how I've lived without you all these years I'll never know_

Nellie: I can tell you how I've lived without you, and I'll tell you; it's not pretty. It involves many nights of me...

Sweeney: ENOUGH. I really do not want to hear about that.

Nellie: _Think about it; lots of other gentlemen'll soon be coming for a shave. Won't they? Think of all them pies_

Sweeney: So everybody wins then. I rid the world of vermin, you make good pie, and people get to die for free!

Nellie: ...I don't see how dying for free is a good thing.

Sweeney: _For what's the sound of the world out there?_

Nellie: _What, Mr Todd? What, Mr Todd? What is that sound?_

Sweeney: _Those crunching noises pervading the air_

Nellie: _Yes, Mr Todd. Yes, Mr Todd. Yes all around_

Sweeney: Whoa, we really are quite sick, come to think of it.

Nellie: I know, right. But this is London, and everyone here has something wrong with them. Our problem is nothing compared to that man down the road who can't stop hiccuping.

Sweeney: _It's man devouring man, my dear_

Both: _Then who are we to deny it in here?_

Nellie: I'll tell you who we are... oh wait, that was a rhetorical question, right?!

Sweeney: What is that?

Nellie: _It's priest. Have a little priest_

Sweeney: _Is it really good?_

Nellie: _Sir, it's too good at least. Then again they don't commit sins of the flesh so it's pretty fresh_

Sweeney: Oh dear, this better not be another one of your foreplay ideas.

Nellie: No, it's not. Yet, anyway. But it may turn out that way.

Sweeney: _Awful lot of fat_

Nellie: _Only where it sat_

Sweeney: _Haven't you got poet or something like that?_

Nellie: _No, you see the trouble with poet is how do you know it's deceased? Try the priest_

Sweeney: Gee, this is really fun. You do realise we look totally demented to everyone watching us through the window.

Nellie: Yeah, well those people shouldn't be watching us. Perverts.

Sweeney: Erm no, they'd only be perverts if we were undressing, or engaging in some kind of... NO! NO NO NO.

Nellie: _Lawyer's rather nice_

Sweeney: _If it's for a price_

Nellie: _Order something else though to follow since no one should swallow it twice_

Sweeney: Getting good with this whole rhyming thing, Mrs Lovett. At least that's one thing you've got going for you.

Nellie: Oh no, I have huge boobs too.

Sweeney: Can we not?

Nellie: Sorry dear, but you can't deny the fact that they're huge. Especially in this corset.

Sweeney: _Anything that's lean?_

Nellie: _Well then if you're British and loyal you might enjoy Royal Marine. Anyway it's clean... though of course it tastes of where ever it's been_

Sweeney: _Is that squire on the fire?_

Nellie: _Mercy no sir, look closer, you'll notice it's grocer_

Sweeney: IT'S SQUIRE IF I SAY IT'S BLOODY SQUIRE!

Nellie: Calm down dear.

Sweeney: _Looks thicker, more like vicar_

Nellie: _No, it has to be grocer; it's green_

Sweeney: I'm not sure if that was supposed to be funny, because it wasn't. He's obviously not green.

Nellie: Well I was trying to sound clever.

Sweeney: _The history of the world, my love_

Nellie: AH! YOU JUST CALLED ME YOUR LOVE.

Sweeney: _Is those below serving those up above_

Nellie: (is totally absorbed in the moment of being called 'love') Ahhh.

Sweeney: _How gratifying for once to know_

Both: _That those above will serve those down below_

Nellie: Whoa! How sexual did that sound?!

Sweeney: _What is that?_

Nellie: _It's fop; finest in the shop. Or we have some shepherd's pie peppered with actual shepherd on top_

Sweeney: Fop? What the... fop... is that?

Nellie: _And I've just begun. Is the policitian so oily it's served with a doily, have one_

Sweeney: _Put it on a bun_

Nellie: That sounds quite sexual, actually.

Sweeney: _Well, you never know if it's going to run_

Nellie: _Try the friar, fried it's drier_

Sweeney: _No, the clergy is really to course and too mealy_

Nellie: _Then actor, it's compacter_

Sweeney: _Ah, but always arrives overdone_

Nellie: We really are taking the piss out of many people here.

Sweeney: _I'll come again when you have Judge on the menu_

Nellie: Shut up about the Judge, okay. Was just about to ask you about sexytimes.

Sweeney: _Have charity towards the world, my pet_

Nellie: It's a bit weird how you call everyone 'pet', or a type of animal.

Sweeney: And it's a bit weird how you always talk about 'sexytimes'.

Nellie: _Yes, yes, I know my love_

Sweeney: _We'll take the customers that we can get_

Nellie: _High born and low, my love_

Sweeney: Stop calling me your love. Lucy is my only love. Lucy... (dies a bit inside)

Nellie: No! (pouting face) You love me, remember?

Sweeney: _We'll not discriminate great from small, no we'll serve anyone, meaning anyone_

Both: _And to anyone at all!_

(camera pans out to street)

Nellie: Sexytimes now, Mr Todd?

Sweeney: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

--

**A/N:** Very sorry for the extreme dely/overall crapness of this chapter. But better this than none. Erm, I might start writing the next one now. Or later, after I've finished watching television. Reviews, as always, please.


	13. London's Burning

**A/N:** Eek, I am so sorry for not uploading for ages. I could probably make up a million excuses, but to be honest I'm just really lazy. But I have, at last, uploaded another chapter. This time, it's Johanna Reprise. Erm, I'm not sure if this is funny or not, so decide for yourself. Also; THANK YOU ALL SO VERY MUCH FOR ALL THE REVIEWS YOU'VE GIVEN ME! OVER 100 REVIEWS! Wow, seriously guys. That's amazing, thank you so much. Finally, this chapter is dedicated to Helen, because she was sitting next to me in PE Theory when I started writing. Well, I'll let you read the chapter now.

**Disclaimer:** After thirteen chapters, you'd think if I owned Sweeney Todd, I'd do something about it.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Thirteen - London's Burning**

Anthony: _I feel you, Johanna, I feel you_

Johanna: Oh no, please, not again.

Anthony: _Do they think that walls can hide you?_

Johanna: Okay, I'm locked in a mental asylum. I think walls can hide me now.

Anthony: _Even now I'm at your window_

Johanna: Well I can't actually see the window because I'M AN AN ASYLUM!

Anthony: _I am in the dark beside you_

Johanna: Erm, this is the blonde section. Your hair's more... mousey brown, I'd say.

Anthony:_ Buried sweetly in your yellow hair, Johanna_

Johanna: Less singing, more rescuing me before I go MAD!

Sweeney: _And are you beautiful and pale, with yellow hair like her_

Johanna: Who the hell are you? And who is 'her'?

Sweeney: _I'd want you beautiful and pale, the way I dreamed you were_

Johanna: Well I don't know who you are and you don't know me, so why are you singing about me?

Sweeney: _Johanna..._

Johanna: Oh for God's sake. Do I have I sign on my head saying 'Stalk Me'?

Sweeney: _And if you're beautiful, what then, with yellow hair like wheat_

Johanna: BLONDE! Keep talking about my hair and I'm going to go mad.

Sweeney: _I think we shall not meet again, my little dove, my sweet Johanna..._

Johanna: Eek! We've met before? You'd think I'd remember... you're kinda creepy..

Sweeney: _Goodbye, Johanna..._

Johanna: You're going? Yay... I mean.. what a shame

Sweeney: _You're gone and yet your mine_

Johanna: Um... that's kinda creepy. I'm not yours...

Sweeney: _I'm fine, Johanna, I'm fine_

Johanna: Well, that's nice to know. I love hearing how total strangers are feeling.

Lucy: _Smoke! Smoke! Sign of the devil! Sign of the devil! City on fire!_

Anthony: London's burning, London's burning...

Sweeney: Shut up before I kill you, Manthony.

Anthony: Um, that's Anthony.

Lucy: _Witch! Witch! Smell it sir an evil smell, every night at the vesper's bell, smoke that comes from the mouth of hell_

Johanna: Ew, everyone is mad!

Sweeney: We all deserve to diiiie....

Johanna: Or murderous!

Anthony: Unicorns!

Johanna: Or retarded!

Lucy: _City on fire! City on fire! Mischief! Mischief! Mischief_

Sweeney: I can just sense I'm going to kill that girl one day.

Anthony: Don't be sad, Mr Todd. RAINBOOOOOOOOWS.

Sweeney: _And though I'll never hear your voice, my turtledove, my dear_

Johanna: What the heck is a turtledove? Ooh, might have that as my MSN screen name, actually.

Sweeney: _I still have reason to rejoice, the way ahead is clear, Johanna..._

Johanna: NOO! YOU CAN'T GET WIRELESS INTERNET HERE! WHAT KIND OF A PLACE IS THIS? I WAS ALLOWED UNLIMITED ACCESS AT TURPIN'S PLACE!

Sweeney:_ And in that darkness when I'm blind with what I can't forget_

Johanna: Well if I've met you, I've forgotten you...

Sweeney: _It's always morning in my mind, my little lamb, my pet,Johanna_

Johanna: Um, do you have some kind of obsession with naming people after animals? First dove, then turtledove, and now lamb? Freak...

Sweeney: _You stay, Johanna, the way I dreamed you were_

Johanna: So now you dream about me as well? I bet you get off on those dreams.

Sweeney: If you knew who I was, you wouldn't say that!

Johanna: But I don't, so I'll carry on.

Sweeney: _Oh look, Johanna, a star..._

Anthony: _Buried sweetly in your yellow hair..._

Sweeney: Fuck off Anthony, that's my bit.

Anthony: Sorry Mr Todd. I'll go back to drawing unicorns.

Sweeney: _A shooting star..._

Johanna: Where?

Sweeney: Haha, wheey. Made you look.

Anthony: Hey you guys, shush. That lady's here again.

Lucy: _There, there! Somebody, somebody look up there_

Johanna: Oh no, you are not getting me for a second time.

Lucy: _Didn't I tell you, smell that air! City on fire_

Anthony: London's... (gets look off Sweeney) Sorry.

Lucy: _Quick, sir, run and tell, warn 'em all of the witch's spell, there it is there it is the unholy smell! Take 'er to the Beadle and police as well! City on fire, city on fire! Mischief, mischief, mischief_

Johanna: Whoa, that must have taken a lot of practise

Lucy: You know, young one, you remind me of someone I used to know...

Johanna: (squeak)

Lucy: ...I remember... I had a daughter... pretty little thing... yellow hair... what was her name? J-something. Jonah? No... Joanne? No... Bark-something...

Johanna: Wait -- what?

Lucy: Wow, the KFC Bargain Bucket is overpriced. I could get LOADS of Snack Boxes for the price of that...

Johanna: WHAT WERE YOU SAYING ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER?

Lucy: Daughter? Wish I had one of those...

Sweeney: _And though I think of you, I guess, until the day I die_

Johanna: ...If you don't stop singing about me, that day's going to come sooner than you think.

Sweeney: _I guess I'll miss you less and less as every day goes by_

Johanna: I just had a thought; how can I be hearing all this? I mean, I'm locked in an asylum. OHMYGOD, YOU'RE ALL VOICES IN MY HEAD!

Sweeney: _Johanna..._

Anthony: _I'll steal you, Johanna..._

Johanna: I'll marry Anthony Sunday...

Sweeney: Wait, what?

Johanna: Oh sorry, that was the musical version... (cough) VOOOOOOICES.

Sweeney: _And you'd be beautiful and pale and look too much like her_

Johanna: Why do you keep comparing me to the third person?

Sweeney: _If only angels could prevail we'd be the way we were_

Anthony: I'd just like to interupt, though I'm halfway round London so can't possibly hear you.

Johanna: Go ahead, none of us are supposed to be able to hear each other anyway.

Anthony: ...Yeah... Um, I forgot what I was going to say.

Sweeney: _Johanna..._

Anthony: Wait! I will remember...

Johanna: Hurry up! The sooner this song ends, the better.

Anthony: _I'll steal you, Johanna..._

Johanna: Was that it? Because, to be honest, you've been saying that a lot.

Anthony: No... that was just my bit in the song.

Sweeney: _Wake up, Johanna, another bright red day_

Johanna: Wake up? I wish. Perhaps this is all just a horrible dream.

Sweeney: _We learn, Johanna, to say... goodbye..._

Johanna: What? Goodbye?

Anthony: _I'll steal you..._

Johanna: Um, guys? Why's everything fading to black? Guys? Anthony and that creepy guy who compares me to the third person? Um, hello? Anthony... I think I want to be stolen now... can anyone hear me? ...Ah, forget it.

--

**A/N:** Um yes, so I don't really know what to say at the bottom of this one, as I am clearly running out of things to say. But the next song is God That's Good. I've actually already done it, but I won't upload it for a few days because I'm sort of cruel like that. I've also written By The Sea, but I won't be uploading that until Siobhan gets back from France because I know she wanted to help. She'll just have to settle for reading it before anyone else, and I might let her change some parts. Anyway yes, that's all I have to say.


	14. Fruit Pies Out Of Corpses?

**A/N:** ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN REVIEWS! Seriously, you lot don't know how much I love you right now. In a friendly-not-really-your-friend-as-I-don't-know-you sort of way. Also, apologies that I haven't uploaded anything in such a long time. I have been attacked by the dreaded Eye Infection, but it's clearing up now. Which is good, because I'm going to Ireland tomorrow. Ooh, HAPPY ST. PATRICKS DAY.

**Disclaimer:** You know, the owner of Sweeney Todd probably has better things to do than sit here and parody the songs.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

_HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELLA/PRINCETON :D  
_This chapter is officially dedicated to you on the anniversary of your birth.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Fourteen - Fruit Pies Out Of Corpses?**

Toby: _Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please_

Randomers: Um, no, actually, because we're trying to eat some pie.

Toby: _Are your nostrils aquiver and tingling as well at that delicate, lucious, ambrosial smell_

Nellie: He's come such a long way in his English lessons! (wipes tear from eye)

Toby: _Yes they are I can tell_

Randomers: Actually, our nostrils aren't aquiver at the moment.

Toby: _Well ladies and gentlemen, that aroma enriching the breeze_

Nellie: Um yeah... let's not talk about the 'aroma' right now...

Toby: _Is like nothing compared to its succulent sauce, as the gourments among you will tell you of course_

Randomers: We get it; you know a lot of big words. Can we eat our pie now?

Toby: _Ladies and gentlemen, you can't imagine the rapture in store... just inside of this door_

Randomers: Yeah okay, shut up now Pie Boy.

Toby: _There you'll sample Mrs Lovett's meat pies, savoury and sweet pies as you'll see_

Nellie: I'm just wondering how I can make fruit pies out of corpses at the moment... I mean... pie anyone?

Toby: _You who eat pies, Mrs Lovett's meat pies, conjour up the treat pies used to be_

Randomers: Over here boy, how about some ale? Tell me are they... oops, sorry. This isn't the musical. Carry on.

Nellie: _Toby!_

Toby: _Coming!_

Randomers: It's a bit rude how every single one of our lines were cut out of this song.

Nellie: _Ale there!_

Toby: _Right, mum!_

Nellie: _Quick now!_

Randomers: And here is where we would sing the title of the song.

Nellie: Oi, stop whining. This is my song now, and I say you can't sing in it.

Toby: I'm just going to stand here and do everything you say because I'm a right arse-licker.

Nellie: _Nice to see you dearie, how have you been keeping?_

Randomer: Um, no. I'm not talking to you since you cut my lines out.

Nellie: _Cor, me bones is weary. Toby! One for the gentleman..._

Toby: (monotone) Yes, mum. No, mum. Three bags full, mum.

Nellie: _Hear the birdies cheeping -- helps to keep it cheery_

Randomers: Yes, we must admit this shop has a friendly atmosphere to it.

Nellie: _Toby! Throw the old woman out_

Lucy: Oi! I'm not old, betch. For your information, I'm actually younger than you.

Nellie: _What's my secret? Frankly dear, forgive my candor..._

Randomers: Ohmygod, no way?! You're actually telling us your secret?

Nellie: _Family secret, all to do with herbs. Things like being careful with your coriander, that's what makes the gravy grander_

Randomers: Um, since when was there gravy on these pies?

Nellie & Toby: _Eat them slow and feel the crust how thin she rolled it_

Randomers: Ooh! Aah!

Nellie & Toby: _Eat them slow, 'cuz every one's a prize_

Randomer: There are prizes inside?! GOLDEN TICKETS?!

Nellie & Toby: _Eat them slow 'cuz that's the lot and now we've sold it, come again tomorrow..._

Randomers: GOLDEN TICKETS! WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR PIES ANYMORE.

Nellie: _Hold it! Bless my eyes... fresh supplies_

Man: Um yes, obviously I can't hear you singing otherwise I wouldn't be walking up the stairs while two creepy, slightly deranged people look on, smirking, as I inevitably walk to my doom. Obviously.

Nellie: _How about it dearie, be here in a twinkling_

Toby: _Is that a pie fit for a king? A wonderous, sweet and most delectable thing_

Randomers: Getting fancy now, are we? ...Is what we would say if we could hear you.

Nellie: _Just confirms me theory. Toby -- God watches over us_

Randomer: God certainly does not watch over you. You cook people into pies, for goodness sake!

Nellie: Okay, go down to the bakehouse. You have to die.

Randomer: Yes, ma'am.

Nellie: _Didn't have an inkling, positively eerie..._

Randomers: Yeah, kinda weird how you talk about killing and he doesn't catch on.

Nellie: Hey, give him credit, he's simple.

Toby: _You see, ma'am, why there is no meat pie --_

Nellie: _Toby! Throw the old woman out_

Toby: I do not get payed enough to do this job.

Lucy: B-but, all I wanted was some pie. And maybe the chance to kill you... but mainly pie... OW!

--

**A/N:** Wow, I actually haven't read over that for ages. Which makes me sound really bad because I wrote it ages ago and just completely forgot about it. I'm actually so sad now that I laugh at my own parodies, when clearly I have written them and so I shouldn't find them even the slightest bit humourous. Or however it is you spell that word. Okay, well I only laughed at one bit. The first bit with the Randomer, yes I admit I found that bit quite funny. It deserved a laugh. Anyway, I think I'm going to go and remaster By The Sea, as I have written it but I found my original copy which I think is much better. It won't be uploaded until at least Sunday, when I get back from Ireland. Oh and I forgot to ask... would you be so kind as to review, please?


	15. Plotting Ways To Kill You

**A/N:** I have just realised that it's been almost two months since my last update. Oopsie. I'm really, really bad at this updating thing. It's probably because I'm nearly finished and I really, really don't want to stop writing this stuff. Or it could just be because I'm very lazy. I think it's probably the second one, actually. I've decided that I'm not going to keep rambling on today, I'm going to keep it short and sweet. This chapter is dedicated to Siobhan, because she is still the Todd to my Lovett, though she probably does not remember. Also because recently she has been turned into a Cyberman and she might have the illness of piggies. Though this is incredibly unlikely.

**Disclaimer:** You've no idea how bored of this I am. Clearly I'm not the owner of Sweeney Todd.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Fourteen - Plotting Ways To Kill You**

Nellie: _Ooh, Mr Todd_ (kiss)

Sweeney: Could you please not do that, Mrs Lovett. I don't want people to think we're... together... (shudder)

Nellie: _I'm so happy, I could _(kiss) _eat you up, I really could_

Sweeney: ...That doesn't sound good. I don't think I want to know where this is going.

Nellie: _You know what I'd like to do, Mr Todd_

Sweeney: No, not really. But I assume you're going to tell me anyway.

Nellie: _What I dream... if the business stays as good, where I'd really like to go_

Sweeney: Crap... it's a place. If it involves marriage, I'm out. Scrap that, I'm out anyway.

Nellie: _In a year or so..._

Sweeney: Or so?

Nellie: Or next month, if you insist.

Sweeney: But I didn't -- !

Nellie: _Don't you wanna know_

Sweeney: _Of course_

Nellie: _Do you really wanna know_

Sweeney: _Yes, I do_

Nellie: You saying 'I do' has just let my fantasies loose into some creepy world of lovey-dovey-ness.

Sweeney: Mrs Lovett? What are you doing? Why aren't we at the park anymore?

Nellie: _By the sea, Mr Todd, that's the life I covet_

Sweeney: BLOODY HELL! WHAT THE -- !

Nellie:_ By the sea, Mr Todd, ooh I know you'd love it_

Sweeney: And if by 'love it' you mean hate every second and want to die... then yeah, I'd love it.

Nellie: _You and me, Mr T, we could be alone_

Sweeney: Oh no! There will be no... being alone-ness.

Nellie: _In a house what we'd almost own... down by the sea_

Sweeney: _Anything you say_

Nellie:_ Wouldn't that be smashing?_

Sweeney: No, it wouldn't. And if you persist with this, then I'm going to 'smash-in' your face. Would be an improvement...

Nellie: _Think how snug it'll be underneath our flannel_

Sweeney: What the hell is a flannel? And erm... why does the scene keep changing? Mrs Lovett... stop doing... whatever it is you're doing...

Nellie: _When it's just you and me and the English Channel_

Sweeney: No chance of escape then... I see you've thought this out well.

Nellie: _In our cosy retreat, kept all neat and tidy, we'll have chums over every Friday_

Sweeney: 'Chums'? What chums? We kill people and bake them into pies! We're not exactly the most sociable people in the world.

Nellie: _By the sea... don't you love the weather_

Sweeney: Actually, I bloody hate the weather. I mean, seriously. With all this sun, I'm sure to like... catch a tan or something... (shudder) tan...

Nellie: _By the sea, we'll grow old together_

Sweeney: Um, actually you're not going to be growing old. First, I don't think you can get older, and second, I'm going to kill you any minute

Nellie: _By the seaside, hoo-hoo_

Sweeney: Okay, whatever that was... stop doing it. It wasn't cute, or whatever you thought you were being. It was bloody scary.

Nellie: _By the beautiful sea_

Sweeney: (struggling) Can't... reach... razors... creepy... fantasy... rendering... me... powerless...

Nellie: _It'll be so quiet that who'll come by it? Except a seagull, hoo-hoo_

Sweeney: I thought I told you... wait... I don't like where this is going...

Nellie: _We shouldn't try it, though 'til it's legal for two-hoo_

Sweeney: ...This is about sleeping with me, isn't it? HOLY CRAP, WE'RE IN A CHURCH!

Nellie: _But a seaside wedding could be devised_

Sweeney: WHY'RE YOU IN A WEDDING DRESS?! IS THERE NO END TO THIS TORTURE? (sob)

Nellie: _Me rumpled bedding legitimized_

Sweeney: For the record, Mrs Lovett, we never 'rumpled your bedding'.

Nellie: I know, but we --

Sweeney: NO! Whatever it is, we didn't do it. I won't hear of your mad fantasies.

Nellie: _Me eyelids'll flutter, I'll turn into butter, the moment I mutter I do-hoo_

Sweeney: (squeak)

Nellie: _Down by the sea, married nice and proper_

Sweeney: ...D-did we just get m-m-married?...

Nellie: _By the sea, bring along your chopper_

Sweeney: WE'RE NOT MOVING TO THE SEA! The only time we'd be going to the sea would be when I kill you and need to dispose of the body.

Nellie: _To the seasid, hoo-hoo, by the beautiful sea..._

Sweeney: I am never going out with you again. Too much weird stuff happens... hey, since when was the boy here?

Toby: Oh, I've been here all along, plotting ways to kill you.

Sweeney: That's nice, shut up.

--

**A/N:** Hm, that was probably my best ending out of all of them. I still don't get the point of Toby being there in this song. Though I am glad he was put in there because I have spent many a happy hour playing a game I like to call 'Spot the Toby'. Reviews would be nice, please. Also, I forgot to say thank you in the first note. So thank you very much to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. and I'm sorry if I didn't give you a personal reply; I've been very lazy recently. The next chapter will be 'Not While I'm Around'. Eek, only two more chapters until I've run out of songs. I'm gonna miss doing this, y'know.


	16. Curious About The Opposite Sex

**A/N:** Okay, everyone feel free to attack me with various sharp or blunt objects. But guess what? I had swine flu. Twice. And I went on holiday and ended up in hospital and I've restarted my year's worth of coursework which is due in two weeks and blah blah blah. The point is, I haven't actually had time to update this. In nearly four months. I think the next chapter will be up before the end of this month, because I need to get this finished. Though a part of me doesn't want it to end. I am still looking for ideas on what to do after this. C'mon, people.

**Disclaimer:** Sweeney Todd. Not mine.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Sixteen - Curious About The Opposite Sex**

Toby: _Seems like the Good Lord sent you for me_

Nellie: Toby, God hates you, dear. That's why he made you an orphan.

Toby: _Listen to me, please. You know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you_

Nellie: You know, that sounds like something I'd say to Mr. T. In a sexual way, naturally.

Toby: _Say, if there was someone around. Someone bad. Only... you didn't know it_

Nellie: (ominous voice) I know everything, Tobias.

Toby: But it's about--

Nellie: _What is this? What are you talking about?_

Toby: _Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around_

Nellie: That's nice dear, now can you leave me to my pervese fantasies?

Toby: _Nothing's gonna harm you, no sir, not while I'm around_

Nellie: I'm a girl, dear. You should know; I've caught you staring at my chest enough times.

Toby: I'm growing up. Mr Todd says I'm becoming 'curious about the opposite sex'.

Nellie: (eye roll) Because he'd know all about that...

Toby: _Demons are prowling everywhere, nowadays_

Nellie: Speaking of demons, I bet Mr Todd's a right demon in -- NO! Children around.

Toby: _I'll send them howling, I don't care; I got ways_

Nellie: Of course you have. You're like what, five?

Toby: _No one's gonna hurt you, no one's gonna dare_

Nellie: What, because you're protecting me? (snort)

Toby: _Others can desert you, not to worry, whistle I'll be there_

Nellie: Oh, kind of like a pet dog then?

Toby: _Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while, but in time..._

Nellie: Please, Toby. Let mummy have her fantasy time in peace.

Toby: _Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around_

Nellie: Hm. In between my fantasies, I can't help thinking something is going on here.

Toby: _Not to worry, not to worry, I may not be smart but I ain't dumb_

Nellie: What the hell? That made no sense whatsoever.

Toby: _I can do it, put me to it, show me something I can overcome_

Nellie: Okay, here's something you can do; leave me the hell alone.

Toby: _Not to worry, mum_

Nellie: I'm not worried, believe me. I'm more annoyed than anything.

Toby: _Being close and being clever ain't like being true_

Nellie: Why am I having a conversation with a five year old about relationships?

Toby: _I don't need to, I would never, hide a thing from you... like some..._

Nellie: Oh hell no you did not! Do not bring my future husband into this.

Toby: ...Mum, Mr Todd is evil. You should totally just run away and leave him, and when I become legal...

Nellie: (blocking ears) _Now Toby dear, haven't we had enough of this foolish chatter?_

Toby: Actually, I was just getting started. Later I was going to tell you how Mr T--

Nellie: _Here, how about I give you a shiny new penny and you can go and get us some toffees_

Toby: Well, I am a sucker for a shiny new penny, me.

Nellie: I know your weakness, boy.

Toby: _That's Signor Pirelli's purse!_

Nellie: _No it's not. Just something Mr T give me for me birthday_

Toby: Your birthday isn't for three months!

Nellie: Okay, how the HELL do you know that?!

Toby: _That proves it. We gotta go, mum, we gotta find the beadle and get the law here_

Nellie: _Shh, Toby. Hush now; you're not going anywhere. You just sit here nice and quiet, next to me. That's right_

Toby: Well, as long as my face is in your chest... I suppose I could stay here a little bit longer.

Nellie: _Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around_

Toby: Hey, bitch. That's my line. Oh wait... I'm in your chest. Carry on.

Nellie: _Nothing's gonna harm you, darling. Not while I'm around_

Toby: _Demons'll charm you with a smile, for a while, but in time..._

Nellie: I love how you have to sing just that little bit louder than me. Showoff. Get out of my chest.

Toby: _Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around_

Nellie: Okay, go away now. I feel deprived of my imaginary sexytimes with Mr T.

--

**A/N:** -burns until I die; Okay, so that wasn't particularly funny but I felt I should get something up here. However, I'm quite looking forward to the next chapter. Thank you SO much to everyone who reviewed, especially briaimepantalons, who reviewed every single one of my chapters in one day. 166 reviews? You have no idea how much I love you guys. The next chapter is the last one! Final Scene, which I should start now. P.S; SIOBHAN REVIEWED! I AM SO OVER THE MOON RIGHT NOW! AH!


	17. Some Weird Obsession

**A/N:** See, I didn't take forever to update this time. Though I wish I had, because this is the LAST CHAPTER! Do not fear though, people, for in September some time I shall be back with another parody. What shall it be, you ask? Well you'll just have to wait and see. So you should totally add me to your author updates now, because otherwise you won't know when it arrives. Just saying.

The LAST EVER CHAPTER OF POASN is dedicated to two people; Siobhan, because she reviewed at last, and Devon, because this is a weird sort of birthday present. And also because they helped with the invention of an amazing line in this. So without further ado... THE LAST EVER CHAPTER OF POASN. Yes, I do like saying that.

This final chapter is sponsored by Sweenappies (or Toddiapers, in the US). The ONLY nappies with Sweeney and co.'s faces on them. Oh yeah, you want those.

**Disclaimer:** In a weird, twisted way, I'm actually going to miss this disclaimer. So one final time; I don't own Sweeney Todd.

Oh, and singing is in italics. Talking is in normal. For every parody, so remember that.

**Parodies Of A Songing Nature**

**Chapter Seventeen - Some Weird Obsession**

Nellie: _Toby... where are you love? Where is he?_

Sweeney: He ran away from us, Mrs Lovett. He's not going to bloody answer.

Nellie: _Nothing's gonna harm you, not while I'm around_

Sweeney: You're quite sickening, you know. I'm so proud.

Nellie: Ooh, proud eh? I think I should be rewarded...

Sweeney: (ignoring her) _Toby? TOBY?_

Nellie: _Nothing's gonna harm you, darling, not while I'm around_

Sweeney: Yuck, I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.

Nellie: Well you better brush your teeth before I make out with you later, then.

Sweeney: (still ignoring her, as it is the best thing to do) _Toby..._

**MEANWHILE...**

Anthony: _Mr Todd?_

Voice of Sweeney: Hello, you've reached Sweeney Todd's Tonsorial Parlour. I'm not here right now because...

Voice of Nellie: ...III'MMM thinking about YOOOOU.... NAKEEEEEEEEEED!

Voice of Sweeney: MRS LOVETT! I'M TRYING TO RECORD A SERIOUS MESSAGE. (clears throat) Anyway, just hide in a trunk and I'll get back to you.

Anthony: _You wait for him here. I'll return with the coach in less than half an hour_

Johanna: So in like, twenty nine minutes then knowing you.

Anthony: _Don't worry; no one will recognise you. You're safe now_

Johanna: _Safe? So we run away and all our dreams come true?_

Anthony: _I hope so_

Johanna: _I've never had dreams. Only nightmares_

Anthony: Wow, Johanna. Way to be optimistic about our situation

Johanna: (monotone) We're a pair of kids running away in a place full of paedophiles. We're perfectly safe.

Anthony: _Johanna, when we're free of this place all the ghosts will go away_

Johanna: _No Anthony, they never go away_

Anthony: AGAIN with the pessimism! Geez.

Johanna: (monotone) I can't help it.

Anthony: _I'll be right back to you. Half an hour and we'll be free_

Johanna: But you said less than--

Anthony: (loudly, forcefully) FREE AS A BIRD, JOHANNA. FREE AS A BIRD.

Lucy: _Beadle!... Beadle! No good hiding, I saw you. Are you in there still, beadle?_

Johanna: Nope, it's just me and... wait, crap. Someone's coming.

Lucy: _Beadle!... Beadle! Beadle, dear beadle..._

Johanna: I'm allowed to be in here, but I'm a bit dense so I think I'll hide in a trunk. (hides)

Lucy: _Beadle deedle deedle deedle deedle dumpling...._

Johanna: (from inside trunk) What a nutter!

Ominous Voice: If you only knew, Miss Barker.

Johanna: ...What? Who said something? Oh wait, I'm supposed to be hiding in a room I have permission to be in. (goes back to hiding)

Lucy: _Beadle, dumpling, be-deedle..._

Sweeney: I'm back, better check my trunk for visitors.

Lucy: KFC BARGAIN BUCKET!

Sweeney: ..._Who are you? What are you doing here?_

Lucy: _Evil it is, sir. The stink of evil from below. From her! She's the devil's wife..._

Sweeney: Excuse me? No one talks about my pie ho like that except me.

Lucy: _...Oh beware her, sir. She with no pity in her heart._

Sweeney: STOP TALKING ABOUT MY PIE HO!

Lucy: _Hey, don't I know you mister?_

Sweeney: I would ponder over this, but I'm gonna kill some dude in a minute so... (slits throat) (sends down to bakehouse) Bye-bye, strange lady.

Judge: _Mr Todd, where is she?_

Sweeney: _Below, your honour..._

Judge: (checks down pants) Um, no she's not.

Sweeney: (facepalm) ..._With my neighbour. Thank heavens the sailor did not molest her._

Judge: I know, right. Because then I'd be having secondhand sex with him later. (shudder)

Sweeney: _Thank heavens, too, she has seen the error of her ways_

Judge: _She has?_

Sweeney: Oh, how I hate arselicking the people I want to kill.

Judge: What was that, Todd?

Sweeney: (cough) _Oh yes, your lesson was well learned. She speaks only of you, longing for forgiveness_

Judge: _Then she shall have it_

Sweeney: You and your disgusting double meanings.

Judge: Actually, that didn't have a double meaning. But now you mention it... (strokes non-existant beard)

Sweeney: Non-existant? How can I shave you if you have no beard?!

Judge: _She'll be here soon, you say?_

Sweeney: _Yes_

Judge: _Excellent, my friend_

Sweeney: Whoa, the way you dragged your letters out there reminded me of someone. What was his name? Professor Rape? Grape?

Judge: (shifty eyes) Why, I don't know what you mean Mr Pott-- I mean, Mr Todd.

Sweeney: _How about a shave?_

Judge: What is your obsession with wanting to shave me?

Sweeney: Just shut up and get in the chair.

Judge: _Ohhhh, pretty women_

Sweeney: _Pretty women, yes_

Judge: _Johanna, Johanna_

Sweeney: (under breath) Dear God, he's so getting off mentally on thoughts of my daughter!

Judge: Pardon?

Sweeney: _Pretty women... pretty women are a wonder_

Voice Of Nellie: And I'm a bloody wonder. Which means... (suggestive facial expressions)

Sweeney: Mrs Lovett, get out of my head! How can I even SEE your expressions if your voice is in my head?

Judge: Maybe I should come back some other time, when you're not talking to yourself.

Sweeney: _Pretty women..._

Judge: _What we do for pretty women_

Sweeney: I can imagine you do a lot for them. Ew. Don't imagine it, Sweeney. Keep it together.

Both: _Pretty women... blowing out their candles..._

Judge: And blowing --

Sweeney: NO!

Both: _...Or combing out their hair_

Sweeney: _Then they leave..._

Judge: _Even when they leave you and vanish they somehow can still remain there with you_

Sweeney: _They still are there, they're there_

Judge: And so are their pants, if you keep them as trophies like I do.

Sweeney: That's vile. But I think Mrs Lovett has a collection of my pants, as I'm missing quite a few...

Judge: _How seldom it is one meets a fellow spirit_

Sweeney: _With fellow tastes... in women at least_

Judge: _What's that?_

Sweeney: You heard me, we like the same chicks.

Judge: But... I don't fancy that Nellie Lovett girl.

Sweeney: I DON'T fancy her, she just has some weird obsession with me.

Judge: Of course (winks)

Sweeney: _The years no doubt have changed me, sir_

Judge: But... I didn't know you years ago... did I?

Sweeney: _But then I suppose the face of a barber, the face of a prisoner in the dock, is not particularly memorable_

Judge: (under breath) Look, I'm sorry but I really don't know who you are.

Sweeney: (whispering) Benjamin Barker.

Judge: _Benjamin Barker!_

Sweeney: _BENJAMIN BARKER!_

Judge: (whispering) Thanks for getting me out of that, dude.

Sweeney: Okay, now you must die. (stabs repeatedly before slitting throat)

Judge: Gurgllleeeeee...

Sweeney: (tips chair back) Revenge is sweet.

Judge: Gurgllleeeeee...

Sweeney: _Rest now my friend, rest now forever. Sleep now the untroubled sleep of the angels..._

(sound of box opening)

Sweeney: Ohmygosh, someone is in my room. Ohmygosh, it's a boy that looks like a girl. And they're not Anthony!

Johanna: Um... um... um... OH MY GOODNESS, IS THAT A RABBIT?

Sweeney: (looks behind) Where?

Johanna: SUCKEERR! (runs out of the barber shop)

(sound of screaming)

Sweeney: (monotone) Oh no, Mrs Lovett is in trouble. I should go help her. (slowly walks out of the shop)

**MEANWHILE...**

Nellie: _DIE! GOD IN HEAVEN, DIE!_

Judge: Gurgllleeeeee...

Nellie: No seriously. You had your throat slit goodness knows how many times, fell down from a great height onto your head, and you're still alive.

Judge: (dead)

Nellie: Oh crap, it's that girl. What was her name... oh yeah, Lucy Barker. I better set her on fire or something. (begins dragging her to oven)

Sweeney: (appears out of nowhere) _What happened?_

Nellie: _He was clutching onto my dress, but he's finished now_

Sweeney: Whoa, but I slit his throat like... and he fell... and...

Nellie: I know.

Sweeney: _Open the door... _(waits) _Open the door, I said! _(pushes Nellie)

Nellie: (opens door) Oh, I am in trouuuuble.

Sweeney: _"Don't I know you?" she said_

Nellie: Maybe you should have been listening, then.

Sweeney: _You knew she lived_

Nellie: _I was only thinking of you_

Sweeney: Here is where I'd normally make a comment about your grammar, but I'm too upset right now.

Nellie: Not making fun of my grammar? Wow, you ARE upset.

Sweeney: _You lied to me_

Nellie: _No, no, not lied at all. No I never lied..._

Sweeney: You told me my wife was dead, and she wasn't. I think we can call that lying.

Nellie: _Said she took a poison, she did, never said that she died..._

Sweeney: Um, you didn't have to. When someone poisons themself, they usually DIE from it.

Nellie: _Poor thing, she lived..._

Sweeney: Duh.

Nellie: _But it left her weak in the head, all she did for months was just lie there in bed_

Sweeney: And you didn't think to help her?

Nellie: No, I have a huge crush on you. That was like a dream come true for me.

Sweeney: What?!

Nellie: _Should have been in hospital, wound up in Bedlam instead, poor thing..._

Sweeney: I love how you say 'poor thing' like you care.

Nellie: _Better you should think she was dead, yes I lied 'coz I love you..._

Sweeney: Please, don't play the 'OMG, I love you' card right now.

Nellie: _I'd be twice the wife she was, I love you..._

Sweeney: Psh, you're like twice the age she was... no, Sweeney. You're too upset right now.

Nellie: _Could that thing have cared for you like me?_

Sweeney: Oh no you didn't!

Nellie: (under breath) Crap.

Sweeney: _Mrs Lovett, you're a bloody wonder, eminently practical and yet appropriate as always..._

Nellie: This can't be good.

Sweeney: _As you've said repeatedly, there's little point in dwelling on the past_

Nellie: _Do you mean it?_

Sweeney: _No, come here, my love..._

Nellie: He just said 'no'. I think I'll carry on anyway instead of running.

Sweeney: Good idea, pet.

Nellie: _Everything I did I swear I thought was only for the best_

Sweeney: (cough) Bullshiiiiit...

Nellie: Hm?

Sweeney: _Not a thing to fear, my love. What's dead is dead_ (sob) Literally...

Nellie: _Believe me, can we still be married?_

Sweeney: STILL? We were never going to be married in the first place!

Nellie: We were to me. In my mind.

Sweeney: _The history of the world, my pet..._

Nellie: _Oh Mr Todd, oh Mr Todd, leave it to me..._

Sweeney: _Is learn forgiveness and try to forget_

Nellie: But this film's tagline is "Never forget. Never forgive."

Sweeney: Shhh, Mrs Lovett. You fancy me, remember?

Nellie: _By the sea, Mr Todd, we'll be comfy-cozy. By the sea, Mr Todd, where there's no one nosy_

Sweeney: So you're not going to be there?

Nellie: ...I don't get it.

Sweeney: _And life is for the alive, my dear, so let's keep living it..._

Both: _Just keep living it. REALLY LIVING IT!_

Sweeney: (throws Nellie into oven) Burn until you die, burn until you die! Burn until you die, burn until you die!

Toby: (comes out of sewer) (whispering) He just killed my mum! I must plot revenge.

Sweeney: _There was a barber and his wife, and she was beautiful..._

Toby: She looks pretty ugly to me.

Sweeney: _A foolish barber and his wife; she was his reason and his life_

Toby: Oh, I get it. This is a song about you. It all makes sense now.

Sweeney: _And she was beautiful, and she was virtuous, and he was..._

Toby: (picks up razor) (whispering) Now to sneak up behind him and --

Sweeney: Too late, I totally know you're there. Now I'm going to take all the fun out of this by exposing my neck to you.

Toby: That's fine by me. (slits throat)

(Toby wanders off, while Sweeney is dramatically dripping blood onto Lucy's face. Romantic, eh? Then there's a fade-to-black and a zoom out. As this is happening, the audience see Judge Turpin in the corner stand up, dust himself off and walk away. It seems he will never die. The end)

--

**A/N:** Haha, spot the Robert Benfer lyrics! Damn, I really wanted this to have a happy ending, but it is Sweeney Todd afterall. So that's it guys; it's all over. If I was one of those sad people, I might go and have a little cry now. But instead I will begin with my next parody. Gee, there's no rest for the wicked. Feedback would be appreciated, considering it's the LAST EVER CHAPTER OF POASN. I know I keep saying that, but it's the first and last chance I'm ever going to get. Yes, I did cut a few lines from here because I wanted to. Just the bits Sweeney says when Nellie's singing, because that way he can make funny comments at her! And also, I forgot the dialogue between Johanna and Sweeney so I invented my own. But you totally can't tell.

P.S - Reviewers get one pack of Sweenappies/Toddiapers, featuring a character of their choice. Yay. Well, goodbye! ...For now, anyway.


End file.
